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While I was on the bus today, I got to watch two little gothlings discussing their foray into Satanism. Imagine, if you will, a skinny, spotty boy trying desperately to be Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, complete with "Z?" shirt, slicked and pointed dyed black hair, and a pallor that came from Hot Topic or his mother's makeup case. We'll call him Gothling 1. Gothling 2 was a young girl, her dyed black and red and purple hair held back with a tatty red velvet and lace ribbon. Wearing This, over ripped up black fishnets with thin red velvet lace woven through and tied around her wrists. Stripey wicked witch stockingtights in black and red, and mary janes. I wanted to pet her, she was so cute. Makeup done ala Marilyn Manson.

Gothling 2, sulking: "I did everything right out of the Necronomicon, and the candles didn't even flicker. I don't get it. It should have summoned at least an imp."
Gothling 1, smarmy and oozing: "Well, it takes practice to summon the Dark Lords. I mean, you can't just call 'em up on your first time out. That's not how it works. You have to build up Power and Focus first."
Gothling 2, still sulking: "I did that! Ritual cleansing bath, Stones of Power around the circle, my Athame (pronounced aye-theme) and my Black Knife, and the three drops of blood!"
Gothling 1, smarmy and oozing: "That's good, that's good.. It's a good start, but you have to work with more Power than that. More blood, or sex, are good ways to harvest it."

At this point, I snorted a laugh - I couldn't help it. The Random Capitals of Doom that you could hear, the 'Dark Lords', the freaking NECRONOMICON.. couldn't keep a straight face.

Gothling 1, angry at me: "What the fuck are you laughing at?!"
Me: (To Gothling 2) "He's trying to get in your pants."
Gothling 2, shocked: "No he isn't!"
Me: "I'll bet you a dollar his next line was going to be an offer to help you 'Focus' and 'gather Power', either by bloodplay or offering to have sex with you."
Gothling 2: "It wasn't!" Turning to G1 "It wasn't, was it!? Tell her it wasn't!"
Gothling 1: *silent, glaring at me*
Me: "Yuhuh. Crappiest way to get into a girls pants, pretty much ever. Necronomicon as a reference tool? Puhfucklinglease. If you can buy it at Borders, just how good do you think it's gonna be?"
Gothling 2, glaring at G1: "That's sick, Greg. If you wanted a date, all you had to do was ask."
Gothling 1, still glaring at me: "I told you, it's not Greg anymore!"
Gothling 2, eyerolling: "Ok, OZRYMANDIUM, it's still shitty! Satanism is a serious business! You shouldn't cheapen it by using it to try to get a date!"

And then it was their stop, and they left the bus, still bickering.

So much snark material!
-T

Comments

( 100 comments — Leave a comment )
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maiagirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 02:54 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Man, did I need a laugh this morning! Thank you!
faeshale
Apr. 20th, 2007 02:55 pm (UTC)
Wow... I just saw a movie called "Night of the Living Dorks" or somesuch. German film, very entertaining. Not half as entertaining as that conversation.

The fact that she still takes satanism seriously after all that is just great.
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:01 pm (UTC)
HEE! Detail on movie? Was it mocking goths or was it a cheesy undead movie?
-T
(no subject) - faeshale - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
batchfile
Apr. 20th, 2007 02:57 pm (UTC)
ROFL!

i wonder, though, are we supposed to help these people?

i was at borders yesterday with my adult daughter, picked up a starhawk book and another tarot deck, and while i was perusing the starhawk book(circleround) this teen came by with a "necronomicon" and a teenspell book talking to his friend about how those will "have all we need". just the way he said it i couldn't help but snicker...

falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:00 pm (UTC)
I consider doing it my civic duty to keep them from breeding. I'd be willing to bet another dollar G1'd have used some smarmy line to get out of using a condom.
(no subject) - batchfile - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ms_daisy_cutter - Jun. 19th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
daemonnoire
Apr. 20th, 2007 02:57 pm (UTC)
This calls for a cat macro!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

(I'm a dork, I know)
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 02:58 pm (UTC)
HAHAHA! AWESOME!
(no subject) - syaldia - Apr. 20th, 2007 02:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - daemonnoire - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ferelwing - Apr. 20th, 2007 04:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - witchchild - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - daemonnoire - Apr. 20th, 2007 06:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
phoenix_blue
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:00 pm (UTC)
But it's okay, he wasn't trying to get a date. He was just trying to get in her pants.

Well played, FalconGirl!
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:05 pm (UTC)
I couldn't help it. The laugh just slipped out. It did make me wonder, though.. now that he knows he can have a date for just asking, will he still be interested in Satanism? Or will he just go back to reading Harry Potter and pretending to be a Slytherin?
(no subject) - redwoodmists - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - brock_tn - Apr. 20th, 2007 06:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
libwitch
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:01 pm (UTC)
Oh god, please tell me that this didn't really happen, please? It sounds like something out of a bad comic strip. Maybe even Buffy meets Supernatural.

Actually, I am a bit lost as to what anyone would use nowadays as a reference tool for satanism that isn't snarkable....
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, it happened. I'm still giggling about it. It deserves to be a bad comic strip. Hm.

As for material.. I dunno, not being a satanist, but the necronomicon is pretty much on the "deserves to be mocked til it bleeds" list.
(no subject) - jazz007 - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kd5mdk - Apr. 20th, 2007 11:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
ishara
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:03 pm (UTC)
*snerk* Well I don't know about you, but I can see the problem with her rite from several thousand kilometers away.

I don't know about the Dark Lords, but I'm reliably informed that the Sumerian Mountains will indeed pay you a visit when you summon them...

...Provided you've done shrooms first. ;)
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:07 pm (UTC)
Oh come on! You know darn well you want off-the-rack gothwear!

.. and a brain injury that would allow you to read the Necro without killing yourself laughing..
(no subject) - ishara - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
spiritof1976
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:05 pm (UTC)
Oh bless!

Double bless!

Triple bless!





Next week, he tries (and again fails) to get into her pants by demonstrating his superiority at AD&D.
batchfile
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:09 pm (UTC)
BWAHAHAHAH!
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ishara - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dude. This is the 21st Century. - snobahr - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Dude. This is the 21st Century. - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
(facepalm) - snobahr - Apr. 20th, 2007 03:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: (facepalm) - lilairen - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
hagazusa
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:06 pm (UTC)
A Satanick gothling named Greg! Love it!
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:10 pm (UTC)
OZRYMANDIUS! A play on the King of Kings, yo! Totally original because he are having a 'r' in it!
(no subject) - badseed1980 - Apr. 20th, 2007 04:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
bridge_o_sighs
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:28 pm (UTC)
"Dark Lords Gone Wild"
wolfsilveroak
Apr. 20th, 2007 06:42 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(Deleted comment)
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:10 pm (UTC)
Yay!
*Keeps it in shiny box, shows to friends on weekends!*
makhsihed
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:50 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing*

This is my favorite snark post of the. . . month!

Utter awesomeness. Someone needs to work it into a comic.
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:10 pm (UTC)
Working on it :) I know a gal.
tyrell
Apr. 20th, 2007 03:53 pm (UTC)
I just got into trouble for laughing REALLY REALLY HARD at work, and then not being able to explain why. Completely brilliant.

falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:11 pm (UTC)
I r made of halos and harp music! I r blameless! BLAMELESS AND CHERUBIC!
(no subject) - ferelwing - Apr. 21st, 2007 08:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
juliaki
Apr. 20th, 2007 04:18 pm (UTC)
And here I thought I was the only one who had random encounters with folks like that.

Bless you...that was a great giggle!
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:13 pm (UTC)
Ever feel like you'd be perfect to have someone follow with a video camera, just to capture little gems like this?

Talk about missed ops - my cameraphone can do video, and I forgot about it until another friend mentioned it later. D'oh!
(no subject) - ferelwing - Apr. 21st, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
the_ellcrys
Apr. 20th, 2007 04:22 pm (UTC)
If you can buy it at Borders, just how good do you think it's gonna be?

Do you mind if I use this line?

Besides, everyone knows the only way to get the Necronomicon to work properly is to yell "Klatu! Verata!" and then sneeze something starting with an N first.
gothic_oreo
Apr. 20th, 2007 04:27 pm (UTC)
It works doubly better if an alien says it.
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
ferelwing
Apr. 20th, 2007 04:48 pm (UTC)
You should have suggested that they read HP Lovecraft and try something from there. *snicker* Ok I'm mean.

Sometimes I just can't help but laugh...
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC)
I'd bet G2 has at least one plushy Chthulu doll.
(no subject) - ferelwing - Apr. 21st, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
atalantapendrag
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC)
...you totally should have addressed him as "Dillon". (Yeah, I'm a JtHM geek.)
falcongirl
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:19 pm (UTC)
Shoulda. I did think of telling him he owned JV a quarter for licensing fees, but I foresaw a "I was NNY before NNY was NNY!" comment and didn't feel like pointing out if that was the case, the kid was gothing it from the cradle.
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - atalantapendrag - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - atalantapendrag - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 05:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - atalantapendrag - Apr. 20th, 2007 06:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - newdance - Apr. 25th, 2007 09:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 25th, 2007 09:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - newdance - Apr. 25th, 2007 09:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 25th, 2007 11:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - newdance - Apr. 25th, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
elfwreck
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:37 pm (UTC)
If it's in English, it's not the *real* Necronomicon
Everyone knows the only English translation of the Necronomicon was by Dr. John Dee, and is a partial copy, and flawed at that. The original, of course, is Arabic, but I don't have that. I have the Latin edition published by Wormius in 1228. (Or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Anyway, it's in Latin.) Over 300 pages. Leatherbound. With Miskatonic U. library card, and letter of provenance. Suitable for impressing the gothchicks and scaring one's Republican aunt in ways that nothing with an ISBN will ever be.

Let's see if I can figure out this gallery thingie.

brock_tn
Apr. 20th, 2007 07:34 pm (UTC)
Re: If it's in English, it's not the *real* Necronomicon
There's a copy of the Necronomicon in the collection of the Library of Congress, in Washington DC. It's catalogued under "Middle Eastern Manuscripts" and it would probably be useful for potential readers to have some familiarity with 10th-Century CE Duriac, as the catalog describes the work as being a "facsimile of a reputed Duriac manuscript."

See the catalog entry here.
(Deleted comment)
nightrythm
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:56 pm (UTC)
*Tee Hee* You have cheered my morning. That was fucking beautiful. I applaud you.
jennybean42
Apr. 20th, 2007 05:57 pm (UTC)
I totally see this as a Something Positive strip, for some reason.
clotpolelis
Apr. 20th, 2007 06:38 pm (UTC)
Haha, I was so thinking that too. It reminds me of the strip when they go to Salem... And that makes me incredibly happy :)
(no subject) - falcongirl - Apr. 20th, 2007 07:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ferelwing - Apr. 21st, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
wolfsilveroak
Apr. 20th, 2007 06:40 pm (UTC)
Just dies.
mzwyndi
Apr. 20th, 2007 07:17 pm (UTC)
Best. Post. EVAR.
verdecat
Apr. 20th, 2007 07:32 pm (UTC)
I probably would have told her to order a copy of the Goetia just to see if she would.
dbmyrrha
Apr. 20th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
LOL. For teh Win.
(Deleted comment)
elfwreck
Apr. 20th, 2007 10:17 pm (UTC)
I missed that on first reading... Dark Lords... I know the name of the Dark Lord, and it is Voldemort.

Someone needs to go tell the gothettes that they can't summon him until late July.

Of COURSE the Necronomicon is Satanism; it has a PENTACLE on the front cover. Are you blind?
(no subject) - ferelwing - Apr. 21st, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
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